Avoidant Avoidant Relationship: When Two People Keep Their Distance

Some couples never seem to fight. They give each other plenty of room, handle their own problems and rarely make demands. From the outside it can look ideal. From the inside it can feel ideal too, at least for a while. Then one day one of them realises they do not really know what the other is going through, and that they have not said anything important to each other in weeks. On this site the avoidant pattern appears as Island, a blue figure that likes its own shoreline. This page is about what happens when two islands build a life together.

Attachment styles describe tendencies, not fixed types, and nothing here is a diagnosis of you or your partner.

What an avoidant avoidant relationship is

Adult attachment is usually described along two dimensions: attachment anxiety, meaning worry about rejection and about whether a partner will be there, and attachment avoidance, meaning discomfort with closeness and with depending on someone. The two dimensions article explains the model. In an avoidant avoidant relationship, both partners sit relatively high on avoidance. Our avoidant attachment page describes the pattern for one person; this page looks at what happens when two people share it.

Mario Mikulincer and Phillip Shaver describe the core avoidant strategy as deactivation: when closeness or need would normally switch on the attachment system, the response is to turn it down, shift attention elsewhere and emphasise independence.^[2] When one partner does this, the other usually notices and reacts. When both do it, there is often nobody left to notice.

Avoidance comes in more than one shape. Some people keep distance because they genuinely prize self-sufficiency (the dismissive pattern); others want closeness but fear being hurt (the fearful pattern). The article on dismissive vs fearful avoidant explains the difference. This page mostly describes two partners with the dismissive, self-reliant tendency.

What happens between two avoidants

When two avoidants are in a relationship, the first thing both usually notice is relief. Nobody is chasing. Nobody asks for a detailed account of the day. Space is given before it is asked for. For people who have felt crowded in past relationships, that can feel like finally being understood.

Over time, a few patterns tend to appear:

Parallel lives. Each partner has their own friends, routines and projects. Evenings are spent in the same flat but in different rooms, or in the same room with separate screens. Shared time becomes logistical: who buys groceries, when the rent is due.

Low-key support. Under stress, both partners tend to cope alone. In a study by Jeffry Simpson and colleagues, couples were observed while the woman waited for a procedure she had been told would be stressful. People with more avoidant styles behaved differently from more secure people in physical contact, supportive comments and efforts to seek and give emotional support.^[3] In a couple where both lean avoidant, neither may ask, and neither may offer.

Guarded trust. In Judith Feeney and Patricia Noller’s study of young adults, people who described themselves as avoidant were more likely to express mistrust of others.^[4] Two partners who each keep a little in reserve can stay polite and kind for years without ever quite letting the other in.

Feelings that go unspoken. Neither partner wants to be the one who seems needy. So hurt, worry and even affection often stay private.

Why the pull: why two avoidants find each other

Two avoidants can be drawn together because the early stage is so comfortable. There are no scenes, no pressure, no sense of being swallowed up. Hazan and Shaver’s early research described avoidant lovers as fearing intimacy.^[5] A partner who does not ask for much intimacy removes that fear, at least on the surface. The relationship feels like a place where you can be yourself without having to explain yourself.

Shared values play a part too: respect for privacy, independence, competence, calm. These are real strengths, and it is easy to like someone who has them.

It is worth knowing that this pairing may be less common than people assume. In Lee Kirkpatrick and Keith Davis’s longitudinal study of 354 dating couples, partners’ styles were not paired at random, and there were no couples in which both partners were avoidant.^[1] That is one sample of dating couples, so it cannot tell us how often the pairing occurs in general. One possible reading, which the study itself does not test, is that two avoidant people less often get as far as a serious relationship, because neither pushes for more closeness.

The typical loop: quiet distance

Where the anxious and avoidant pairing tends to run hot, the avoidant avoidant relationship tends to run cold. The loop is slower and harder to spot:

1. Something difficult happens: a stressful week, a hurtful remark, a disappointment.
2. Each partner deals with it alone and says little.
3. Because nothing is said, nothing is repaired. The distance grows by a small amount.
4. More distance makes it feel even less natural to bring things up. Topics that are hard to raise stay unraised.
5. The relationship gets quieter and more practical, until one partner starts to wonder whether it is still a relationship at all.

Conflict avoidance is at the heart of this loop. Two avoidants rarely have big fights, which is often read as a sign of health. But disagreements do not disappear when they are not discussed. They go underground and return as irritation, coolness or sudden decisions, such as one partner taking a job in another city without much discussion.

Breakups in this pairing often happen the same way the relationship ran: quietly. Contact thins, plans stop, and one day it is over. Both partners may say they are fine while carrying more than they show.

What helps each partner

Nobody has to become a different person. The goal is to add a bit more contact to a relationship that already has plenty of space.

What helps the partner who notices the distance

Notice when you go quiet. Deactivation is automatic. Catching the moment you change the subject, reach for your phone or decide “it’s not worth mentioning” gives you a choice.

Say one true sentence. You do not need a long talk. “Work was harder than I let on today” is enough to open a door.

Ask for small things. Needing a little help is not weakness. Asking your partner to pick you up, listen for ten minutes or come along to an appointment builds trust in both directions.

Tolerate the discomfort. Closeness may feel awkward at first. Discomfort that is tolerated tends to shrink.

What helps the partner who has not noticed yet

Say yes to the invitation. If your partner suggests more time together, it is usually not a demand; it is a reach. Treat it as one.

Make reaching out easy. Both of you are probably reluctant to start. A standing ritual, such as a weekly walk or a Sunday breakfast, removes the need for anyone to ask.

Offer, do not wait to be asked. If the other looks stressed, a simple “Want a hand with that?” can be accepted or declined without pressure.

Respect the space you both value. Keep alone time. More closeness does not mean less independence; it means the two can coexist.

What helps both of you

Schedule short, bounded conversations about the relationship, with a clear start and end. Side-by-side activities, such as cooking, hiking or building something, often make talking easier than sitting face to face. Mikulincer and Shaver’s review of adult attachment research describes how felt security can grow through responsive, reliable relationships.^[6] For two avoidants, responsiveness does not need to be dramatic. It needs to be regular.

If you are curious how this pairing compares to others, the relationships overview covers all ten combinations. The page on the anxious avoidant relationship shows the opposite dynamic, and dating an avoidant looks at the pattern from a partner’s side. If one of you leans more anxious than you thought, our anxious attachment page may also help.

When to get support

A couples therapist can help two avoidant partners practise talking about feelings in a setting that feels structured and safe, which often suits this pairing well. Consider support if you feel lonely inside the relationship, if important topics have gone unspoken for months, if one of you is thinking about leaving without having said so, or if either of you feels low, numb or stuck. The getting support page explains how to find help, including what to do in an emergency.

Find out where you sit

Wondering whether you really lean avoidant, or whether your partner does? The attachment style quiz places you on the two dimensions in a few minutes. It is a self-reflection snapshot, not a clinical test and not a diagnosis.